be kind, rewind

one of the core ideas that i'm hoping to develop and explore in my own practice is self-reliance. in particular, i'm keen to unravel this notion that human beings need to be acted on, or passively engaged in some effort where another person, thought more expert or adept, takes control and responsibility for the whatever therapeutic intervention, the act of healing itself, and management of outcome. i strikes me as true and beautiful that one of the precepts of the coming age will be a reversal of these dynamics. i suspect we're on the cusp of a great transformation of roles, wherein instead of being the agents of healing, care, and cure, physicians, therapists, healers of all kinds, will come to be viewed as mid-wives to a process that is initiated, governed, and directed in full self-responsibility by the person seeking transformation and growth.

this came to a head for me yesterday while in a bikram yoga class. the teacher was a bit of a jerk to be frank. shrouded in soft-speak and read-aloud quotations of sages while evidencing the lack of self-examination alongside abundant blind dogmatism so rank in the scene today. i've been on the slow return to a fuller practice after a couple years of repeated SI joint agonies that gifted periods of functional disability made more pronounced by spots of depression, apathy, lack of care for the body and avoidance of self-care. in addition to ingraining the holding pattern that attempts to prevent further injury to the lower back, but in fact causes secondary symptoms that are now just as painful, i've lost considerable core strength and must take care, as i resume mat work, to protect myself from injury. its been a long haul, getting to this more moderate and self-caring approach. like many yogis i would push myself in almost religious zeal for the practice, incur injury, get sidelined, and face again the cycle of falling away from dialogue with biological ground, taking up habits that disembody and promote further alienation from this thing of flesh that just hurt and complained.

in class yesterday i modified tuladandasana to protect my lower back. this came after first attempting the full posture with arms outstretched before me. feeling an instant strain easily distinguished from good burn, my core instability and developmental needs required that i bring the arms back, airplane style, in patience while i journey to get my full powers back. the teacher saw fit to single me out for this, asserting that i must be coming from a rival school and attempting to impose their modifications on bikram's methodology. no, i replied, i'm just modifying the asana to protect my lower back. she challenged me on this, suggesting that i was being lazy (!).... ironic to me since all my injuries have come from my surfeit over-zealousness and harsh pushing. normally i would get pissed off at this kind of ignorance in a teacher and let it sabotage my commitment to a paid program. not anymore. i'm feeling newly able and willing to face my old patterns of sabotage. in fact i understood i was at the threshold of reprogramming neurotic contents since they were now no longer ideas and attitudes bubbling up from within, but projected quanta now being encountered in the world 'out there.' knowing this helped me understand just how important it was to hold my ground and not let the old attitudes get injected back inside me at the behest of outside actors and peer pressure. so i politely held my ground and my modification and took the teacher aside post-class, spoke my truth to power and watched the old demon melt away to nothing.

blind obedience to instruction is one of the reasons a whole subspeciality exists in the healing arts and in structural yoga therapy in particular for the address of injured yoga students. and while biomechanics and structural anatomy are often presented as master classes and complex subjects (and in a way they are), there are some common sense generalities that are never really shared that can empower students to make informed choices. even in the absence of biomechanic sense, there is our native intuition. reconnecting with that sixth sense is far more critical than studying biomechanics, for even the most expert anatomist will face idiosyncrasies in case studies and clients. yes there are maps and they are good to know, but even more important is respect for the living geography that often bucks expectations, convention and rules.

simply, knowledge is always by definition incomplete and on-going. complexly, our sixth sense, our native intuition, exists beyond the grid of factual limits to encompass the very seat of wisdom itself. therefore, far better to attune to this radio channel, a free source of biognosis, a university of molecules ever awaiting our questions and ability to sustain a silent theater wherein an answer can be offered and heard. how many times have we experienced alarm bells going off before embarking on some course, only to override or ignore it and find ourselves paying a consequence. gentle self-respect is key.